Boomers and Bangers

Just two days after I blogged about wanting to get invited to your parties, we get invited to a birthday party at Boomers in Livermore. I say be careful what you wish for.

Last night Dustin and I survived the most awful birthday party ever. I couldn't tell if we were in Livermore or at the Eastmont Mall. I'm gonna rename this place Bangers, as in gang bangers. Because that's the environment we were in, complete with their offspring and baby mamas.

Bangers is like your typical party destination for families, complete with miniature golf, go-cart racing and arcades that spits out tickets to buy one-cent garbage. I checked out their deceptive website and can honestly say I saw zero white people there (not counting the people in our party). My first clue to its danger was when I first drove up. There were four thuggish teens loitering on the front steps waiting for their 'ride.' I dropped off the kids with another parent and quickly went to Costco to fuel up the getaway car. (Gas was $2.32, btw).

Upon entering Bangers, I noticed the place was a big warehouse that was unusually dark and cold. The party area was just some random tables thrown into a dark, fenced-off corner. A very un-party-like atmosphere. It kinda reminded me of those indoor swap-meets in LA that sell fake Luis Vitton purses. And unlike Superfranks or Pump-it-up, we ate pizza/cake first, and then the 'fun' began.

The special event that was sponsored was Laser Tag. Yes, it sounds cool and exciting, but here's the problem: they only allow 6 kids in the room at a time. Maybe because the room is too small. Or maybe because Bangers is too cheap to buy more than six vests. Our party had 14 kids, so they had to go in three separate groups. Once they get suited up, they go in for instructions. After their briefing, they get to play for a whopping five minutes. FIVE minutes?! At Superfranks you get 30 minutes for dodgeball. Here you get only five minutes for laser tag. Man, I've spent longer in deep thoughts upon my Toto! Speaking of which, their bathroom was freezing! They had the AC pumped to 30 degrees it seems. Spend too long in front of the urinal and you'll risk frostbite!

So while we're waiting for Laser Tag, the group of future-criminals behind us start getting restless. They were about 10 years old but each weighed about 120 lbs. They decided to start battle-royale wrestling. All four were piling all over each other while the attendant who's thinking, "I don't get paid enough to deal with this crap," looks the other way. It wasn't until one of the 120-lb. sweat-masses got body slammed onto two of our kids (not mine), that the employee and horrified parents finally spoke up. Kids were crying. Everyone started checking their clocks hoping to leave... Nothing could save this party now.

The arcades were a rip off too. I started to play Deal or No Deal and after dropping a token, it said I needed 4 more. Five tokens to play one game! A few of the other nicer games also required 4 tokens each. What a rip! There was a silver lining though. The sooner we exhausted the tokens, the sooner we could get the heck out of there! But then we couldn't even redeem the tickets because 3 of the 4 redemption machines were broken. We had this one kid who won 1000 tickets but the machine only spit out 150 because it ran out. And all through the arcades you had unsupervised animals running around and everywhere you looked you just see the greasiest, sleeziest, and scariest tatooed gangsters and hoochies hanging about. Hmm, maybe that's why it's dark. They should film Prison Break here, or Mad Max.

As we were leaving, we noticed all our friends were nowhere in sight. We figure they either escaped early, or they're out back being held at gun point. I said let's scram! And if you're wondering why there are no photos, it's because I was afraid to pull out my camera. How would I possibly explain to my boss that I got robbed at an 8-year old's birthday party? The party started at 5. Everyone gone by 7. Shortest party ever! Any longer and I may not be sitting here typing this.

In hindsight, I'm thinking, "Hey isn't this supposed to be a popular family place? I've heard of Bangers from friends before. It can't always be this bad, can it?" Maybe it was just last night. Maybe something special was going on. Maybe it was "Back-to-Juvey Nite" or "Ghetto Friends & Family Day" or a "50 Cent Lookalike Contest" or maybe a rap concert just let out across the street... Either way I'm not taking any more chances. We're never going there again. And good thing I didn't bring the whole family, because only me and Dustin can run fast!

Don't believe my review? Read what others have said:

Link: Customer reviews at Yelp