Valentine's Renewal

Has it really been seven months since my last blog entry?? That's what my number-one fan stated to me last week in a blunt email titled, "You still alive?" Well I don't know how much juice I have left in the tank, but okay, I will attempt to give this blog a quick kick-start for the few of you still around. So fittingly, I will renew this blog with a story of renewal.

Yesterday on Valentine's Day, the company hosted a ceremony for the above couple to renew their wedding vows. This year was their 60th anniversary, and what better way to celebrate than to do it on a rail car that is even older than them!

This whole wedding hoohah was a last minute PR stunt of the GM. After months of bad press with robberies, crashes, and lack of ridership, he wanted to improve the negative perception of our transit system with a feel-good campaign. You know, like "The Ride is So Great, You'll Forget You are Late" or safety messages like "Travel in a Pack and You Won't Get Attacked." At the same time, it was his chance to showcase the trolley and shoot back at the media, saying, "Ah ha! You were wrong! Not every one of our cars are covered with graffiti and foul smells!"

We originally wanted an actual wedding, but since the promotion did not start until late January, we really limited our candidates to mainly promiscuous partygirls whose EPT stick turned positive within the last month. If you think about it: instant wedding (before you start showing), two nights at Fairmont Hotel, steakhouse dinner, gift certificates, and only 10 guests allowed... It truly is the perfect wedding of desperation!

It was shocking to us that even though our buses are filled with dropouts, gang bangers and teen moms, not one applied. Maybe because the application required a 150-word essay about their story. So first, they need to have some sort of education. And I guess if the essay starts with, "Um, we met at a party..." and ends with "or else my dad gonna kill us..." it doesn't make for good storytelling. It also required a photo, so if you have tattoos across your face and neck, you may have already disqualified yourself.

As February approached with zero applicants, all the managers were freaking out. They even tried frantically to matchmake their own nerdy children. Then for one hour, they relented and opened the firewall to allowed everyone to log onto their Facebook accounts to spread the word. They were thinking: surely, all our employees must have non-planning, no-budget, fly-by-seat-of-their-pants friends that would want to get married on ten days notice, right?

In the end, they wisely opened it up to anyone wanting to renew their wedding vows. Four entries were submitted and this couple was picked (six days prior to the 14th).

Depending on the feedback we get, we intend to do this again next year. So come January, be sure to check up on your single friends in case they get knocked up on New Year's Eve. But seriously, this is every guy's dream wedding. No coordinating, no rehearsal, no relatives. Flowers/cake/drinks/photographer/minister all free. Just show up. Even winning a game show doesn't get this good!

VTA, where were you 17 years ago??!!

 

 

It's alive! It's my creation!

If you're in the south bay or Fremont, you may have spotted some new buses invading the streets and highway. They have a bold, menacing design, that makes all other buses look downright impotent. Our secret code name for it was UBT, which stood for "Urban Bloodbath Transport." So look out, my latest creation is crashing a neighborhood near you!

My initial designs were mostly black with just a slight splattering of blood color. I think it reflected the mood outside my cell. Here it's mainly dark with threatening shadows from the flickering torches along the galley way. And the blackness is complemented with sounds of agony as fellow prisoners are beaten on an hourly basis. I wanted my design to depict that same pain and hopelessness as you spiral down the black hole of despair.

The Major asked me to "tone it down" on the evilness and add more color to spruce it up. She explained that not everyone appreciates our depressive culture as much as we do. She said to make it look fast. I asked, "you mean like a flaming arrow just as it's about to pierce the body cavity with glorious after effects-fast?" She responded, "Yes, think more embers and less ash." Okay, I guess I could live with that.

We bypassed Captain Insano because she'll only slow down the approval process. Besides, she already has a full plate with that world destruction plan she's brewing. We went straight to the top and got it done fast. Godfather Merciless was especially pleased with the design, as I knew he would be. I told him I recommended removing the rear door so the further back you go, the more trapped you'll feel. With an affirming grin he said, "You're starting to think like me."

Godfather Merciless wept as he detailed how the colors resurrected childhood memories of their vacation home. As a junior deatheater, his bedroom tower overlooked several meandering lava flows intertwined throughout the barren valley. Across the midsection laid a scorched path littered with bones and smoldering remains. That path is where he scampered daily with his beloved pet Balrog. All the rivers converged and spilled into the giant Lake of Fire where his father once taught him to swim. "That is why my body has no hair," he exposed to my burning eyes.

There was a recent article about our January media event. To soften the image for public consumption, they described the color to be "candy-apple" red. I guess "hematoma" red may be a bit too violent.

In the near future when the weather improves, I'll have more photos of the UBT in action,  terrorizing transit centers and consuming passengers whole. Until then, look out!

The armada preparing for the onslaught.

Me and my bus

Remember last year when Blah Blah Bonkers came and bragged about wasting all those stimulus funds on a fleet of overpriced buses? Well, the fleet started to arrive late last year. Since then, I've been tasked to follow the publicity road show, as well as take beauty shots for promotional purposes. It's one of those rare occasions where you'll experience a shiny new empty bus that still has the new-car smell (rather than the usual b.o./urine smell). No graffiti, no slashed seats, no sticky floors... Just an immaculate pretty bus.

To be fair, our buses are visibly cleaner (and safer) than those of AC Transit where I spent my terrified childhood on. Not surprisingly, our only dangerous routes are the ones that connect directly to AC Transit (Great Mall and Fremont BART). And don't expect to see these shiny hybrids doing the high school pickups either, nope. No greasy, foul-mouth, tattooed, pregnant, saggy-pants, fatherless dropouts are allowed, just decent working class adults and seniors.

The above photo was a press event where they bragged about spending every last dime of the funds, further plunging your children's future into inescapable debt. On the bright side though, while your kids are working to pay off the deficit, they'll most likely be dead.

Rep. M. Honda is laughing at how Americans just can't build hybrids as well as the Japanese. But as a democrat, he finds comfort knowing that if they break down in five years, Obummer will still be in office and "we'll just have to buy another fleet!"

Rep. Zooey Luvgun, "Hurry with the photo sonny, I need to go censure my buddy Charlie, or as we call it, 'grill some chuck steak!'"

For the record, I did not design this bus wrap. My designs are usually edgy with a hint of intimidation and danger. But General Merciless prefers the beautiful natural scenery as a reminder of the world he once left behind when he became a warlord of the underworld.

I don't often get to leave my cell. So to make sure I don't escape, they send my up the lift and then leave for lunch. Fortunately we had good weather that day.

Another wrap I did not design – can you tell? The blue in the sky doesn't even match the blue on the stripes – a big design no-no! And the green logo? It's massive and doesn't match anything either! I think the General is colorblind from living all these years in a dark cave. He has the eyes of a dog. Next time, I'll show you the bus I myself designed for our next fleet. 

Here is a pure unadulterated bus. I felt like taking off my shoes before boarding. When you own the bus, you own the road. I told the driver to just stop it here in the middle of this turnabout. Who cares if cars have to drive around us, I'll just photoshop them out if need be.

Yeah, baby got back! I bet you never thought the rear of a bus could look this sexy!

As we were scoping out places to shoot, I saw this new building off the freeway. It is still fenced off but I told the driver to go A-Team and crash through the gates because I desperately wanted a shot with those palm trees!

Once inside, I saw a sign that this site was managed by a company my friend works for. 'Cool' I thought, if I get in trouble, I'll just drop his name and say he gave me permission :)

Yep, not a soul in sight. Like paradise. I asked the driver if it was possible to do donuts on a bus. He was not sure. I asked if he wanted to try. He declined. I asked if he knew how to make the tires smoke. He said he might know how but didn't want to try. Oh well. I tried. We'll just have to settle for these pics.

It's my birthday and I'll buy if I want to

June 30 is the end of our fiscal year. Every year at this time we attempt to spend every last dollar of our remaining budget. Yep, it's like a birthday shopping spree or like Christmas in the summer. Woohoo! And unlike last year when the Major squandered the entire pot on her $2700 word processor, this year I was able to secure a few nice items.

And speaking of her Macbook, I have not seen it since I blogged about it last June. And get this, the Major only has dial-up at home!!! Don't get me started!

First and foremost, the Nikon D300s. This is a good consolation for my inability to get a D90 last year. I got this a couple months ago and have been loving it. Haven't done much with the video features yet, and haven't tried HDR photography yet, but knowing it'll be another five years before I get to upgrade again, I'll have plenty of time to learn.


With the new heftier camera, I needed a sturdier tripod. This I had the hardest time selecting. But after consulting with a few seasoned photographers, I selected the Manfrotto 7301YB with 3-way head. This guy is rock solid! Much better than that $35 Velbon I was using.
At my previous job, we had the greatest paper cutter ever. Since then, nothing I used even comes close to ease of use and accuracy. The one we currently use is small and lousy so I upgraded to the Rotatrim RCM24. This is hands down the best cutter you'll ever use. It comes in many sizes but I think the 24 inch is perfect for our needs.

I'm always in search of a better mouse. The other designers opted for the Apple Magic Mouse, but I selected the Logitech MX Mouse. I like lots of buttons that I can independently program for different applications to speed up my workflow. But the best thing about this mouse is the turbo scroll wheel! There is a button that releases the friction on the wheel, so instead of scrolling and scrolling with your finger, you can just whip the wheel once and it will continue to spin for up to 20 seconds! They call this "hyper-scrolling." This is great for those looooong web pages where you are reading hundreds of comments, or for those long Word docs with hundreds of pages. You can go from top to bottom in no time! Plus, the rechargeable battery system, the thumb button for Exposé, and the tiny USB receiver complete a feature set unmatched by any other mouse!
In our attempt to cut our budget, we killed all the contracts of our freelance photographers. All photography jobs will be done inhouse now. So that means I am now in charge of shooting our monthly portrait sessions of our employees of the month. Of course this task was given to me after buying the D300s. Had I known earlier, I would've fought to buy the D3. But I'm not complaining too much, I think it's a great opportunity to work on my photography skills. Better to screw up shooting strangers than on my own family/friends.

I purchased this Cowboy Studio 750w lighting kit along with a gray muslin backdrop. I opted for continuous lighting over strobe because I really don't know what I'm doing, and it seems the umbrellas let me adjust the lighting more easily. Hey, I'm still learning. And they get what they pay for.

We also got some larger memory cards, card readers, extra batteries, photo paper, etc. All in all, we spent close to $3000 – a pretty nice package of goodies to enjoy for a while. So a big thank you to all you tax payers for supplying me toys to enjoy on my birthday! I'm already making my list for next year!

Have a nice weekend!

Latest great idea from the Captain

So el-cheapo Captain Insano has this great idea: "How about we embrace the free web (YouTube) and post some instructional videos on how to take public transit? To save money, we'll do it all in-house. And to save even MORE money, we'll make the employees do it with their own personal equipment and on their own personal time! And then we'll give the winner four worthless tickets to some unfamily-friendly, unheard-of music fest that no one cares about anyway. Brilliant!"

No imagination or over-dramatization required here. Man, I can't even make up stuff that's this good!

My latest assignment: press photographer

Last week at the eleventh hour, I was summoned to be official press photographer (although I prefer to be known as a photo-journalist) for some big event involving the members of the Enormously Vile Infamous Leaders. Apparently some important Mega-Lord was visiting. As always, the Captain can't get her act together and is too cheap to hire a pro... So I'm sent out with my five year-old, mostly-working, half-dependable D70. Enjoy.

My handiwork is visible on all three vehicles. You already know I designed the community bus.

Remember my green logo?

My first buswrap design. This bus is like a rolling classroom (with flat screen tv's) educating seniors and the disabled about taking public transportation. Hmm, I wonder who's inside...

We readily offer crash courses in driving. And we only hire the best drivers. You're not qualified unless you're able to make the bus look like this.

OMG!! Is that really Senator Blablah Bonkers??!! She's so much taller on television.

Reporter: Um Senator... Senator... Hey, this isn't really her! We've been tricked! It's a wax dummy! Oh wait, it's breathing...
Bonkers: Sorry boys, I was just having a rigor mortis moment. What? You think it's easy living with ice in your veins??

Henchman: You see Senator, this motor can shred a person into a hundred unrecognizable pieces. Now we just have to figure out how to get Carly to stand in front of the bus..."
Mayor Chucky: She's meeting with me next week. We can make it look like an accident.

Reporter: Mr Mayor, what are your plans beyond your term? Will you run for re-election?
Mayor Chucky: I'm currently in talks – or may I say "grunts" – with Hollywood for the next Addams Family movie. They think I'm a shoo-in for Lurch!

Bonkers: Let me tell you all, Obummer is a wimp! That's right, I said it! It was MY idea to waste these stimulus dollars for a fleet of unneeded hybrid buses and Prius vehicles to combat that ludicrous global warming concept. Yes, mark my words, this will be MY legacy! Because after I'm long gone and after the hybrids become obsolete... your children, and your children's children... they will all continue to remember me. How's that you ask? Because they will still be paying off the bill!! Muwahahahahahaha!!!!

Reporter: Senator Bonkers, with last week's crushing defeat in Massachusetts, is it true your party has lost touch with not only Republicans but Independents also? What can you do to reach across to the other side... to let them know you understand their frustration and feel their pain?
Bonkers: Quite frankly, what you are asking is impossible. I absolutely CAN NOT do that. I mean, how can you expect me to feel for the other half of the country when on most days I can't even feel the other half of my body?!

Reporter: Senator Bonkers, as a tireless champion for a woman's right to choose and protecting the right to partial birth and late-term abortions... in your opinion, when is a fetus considered to be a human being?
Bonkers: When it votes Democrat!

Hello outside world...

A few of you have inquired about my lack of blogging or my inconsistent blogging the last few months, and I thank you for your concern. My life has been busy and eventful as usual, and there's lots going on at my job, but my communications have been crippled. Yes, I've been cut off from blogging at work.

Back in October, Godfather Merciless dropped the hammer and blocked all internet access to all social networking sites including my blogger site, Facebook, and Scrabble! – my one and only joy around here. Yup, all gone! He realized that all these external sites were providing an unnecessary source of happiness and hope... all of which are detrimental to the corporate morale code. In fact, happiness goes directly against our company motto: "If you are cheerful, you better be fearful!" Happy people have a tendency to disappear around here.

To further push his message across, last week I was summoned to attend the meeting of the Enormously Vile Infamous Leaders. Together with the Godfather, Captain, Sarge, and Major, we snaked down to the darkest depths of the underworld. I was told to bring my camera to capture a few beheadings to serve as a warning to my fellow inmates of the consequences of any illegal outside access. (The picture above is all I dare to publish. It is shot far from the back to spare you from seeing these hideous beings up front.)

Right now, the only way I can get this blog out is to bribe one of the prison guards with contraband. In return I get temporary secret access. But to keep the bribes going, I would need to further stock up on cigarettes and toilet paper…

So yes, I'm still alive. And hopefully I can find time to keep on blogging. The problem is, most of my blogging is done spur of the moment and on the fly. Without instant publishing abilities, I don't know if my material can come out on a timely basis. And when I get home, I'm instantly swarmed by the demands of three little monsters. Sigh. So please be patient, and I thank you for visiting.

I can live with a 27

Above is my newest piece of equipment, a HP 27" monitor. It is paired with my Apple 23" Cinema display. On the surface you may think it's a pretty sweet setup, but once you dig deeper, you'll understand why I'm not totally happy.

Here in the dungeon we have a five year upgrade plan for our computers. Each of us was given a $5000 allowance to upgrade our workstations. Yes, generous amount. But did you know that it was originally only $3500? They increased it only after I complained about how Major Mallrat spent $4700 on a screaming machine that she uses just for displaying her email! And then three months later another $2700 on a Macbook Pro so that she can display her email at the salon. Okay, I admit I may be exaggerating her shortcomings a wee bit. She also is quite capable of opening a PDF file on occasion and can click on a link to get to the web... In other words, she's a perfect candidate for a $400 peecee.

So I get 5000 of your tax dollars! Woohoo! What to buy? What to buy?!

I decided to settle on a Mac Tower 8-Core 2.26ghz for $3299 and a Dell 30" monitor for $1249. Total just under $5,000. The Major burnishes her saliva with her mystic medallion on the dotted line and the order is executed!

Enter Captain Insano.

Here is an updated photo of Captain Insano. She recently underwent a makeover in an attempt to make her look more human.

Captain Insano, being the micro manager of all micro managers, always feels the need to look at all expenses incurred in the underworld (although she conveniently ignores the salaries of herself and her axemen). She nitpicks about EVERYTHING! When I scrape my knees on the cobblestone floor or if the rusted shackles cut into my ankles, she'll feel the need to take inventory of the bandaids I use. That's how anal she is!

So she sees my monitor arriving at the docks and immediately inquires with the Major about it. Together they decide to ship it back and blindly pick the above $350 HP 27" (with horrible specs) instead. Then in a total reversal, the Mallrat has the gall to come to me and say, "I had a feeling she wouldn't go for it..." Huh?? It's already been budgeted for!! You spit-sealed the paperwork!! And it already got delivered!! Talk about being twofaced! Good thing for my self control or else I would've grabbed the closest dead rat in my cell and chucked it at both her brown noses!

Captain Insano reasoned that the 30" is too bright and would lessen the gloomy vibe in our dungeon. She also says it eats up too much energy and may strain the torturous effectiveness of the electric chair. As a good will gesture, she offers to move me to an even smaller cell so that I can sit closer to the monitor.

In an unexpected surprise, she then invites me to her private lair to show how she too has to deal with the current budget woes. There she demonstrates how she can get by just fine by using one candlelabra and the heat lamp in her python cage for lighting. She further confesses how she's unable to upgrade her crystal ball to the beachball sized one and how she hasn't sharpened the blade on the guillotine in months. "You ought to hear the wailing when it doesn't cut through on the first pass!" she jokes.

When her evil echoing laugh finally died, the Captain glares at me and cautiously reminds me that I should be happy with my situation. "Perhaps I have treated you unfairly," she prods. She then inquires if I've noticed the absence of Sargent Scrooge lately. I nervously nod my head as I try not to look at the puss oozing from her boil. She then reveals how she demoted and dispatched the Sarge because of her complaints. The Sarge is now in some far away unknown territory serving as the chief fleet mechanic. Unfortunately the wheels on their bus go Stomp and Stomp.


My heart began to pound as I pleaded her to spare me a similar fate. With a flash of mercy, she says to me, "You can live." And orders the axemen to drag me back to the dungeon.

Back in my cell I realize that I should just be happy with what I have, and to not dwell upon what I almost did get but got sent back before actually getting it by my evil selfish oppressors. I mean life is pretty good here. We just got a new shipment of rat traps, and my neighbor with the B.O. problem is only here three days a week... And yes, a 27" monitor is still very nice, especially running extended desktop alongside a 23". With all that screen space, I can be pretty darn productive having four applications open at once, not having to click through layers of windows to find them. And it's so much easier to ignore emails if you can just glance at the sender and then blow them off. And when my 8-core arrives, I'll be able to work even faster!

Yes, life can be good if you change your perspective on things. I will always have my tormentors. But if I accept them for what they are (pompous, inept, power-hungry) and do what they demand of me (clean up their mess, perform miracles, read their minds), then we all can live, work, and play in harmony in our beautiful realm of destruction. Because I know life can be a LOT worse. They could make me work on a peecee!!

Oops, gotta go! The lights are flickering, which means the crystal ball powering up...

Disclaimer: Some or all of the characters may or may not exist in real life and can just be a figment of the author's imagination and varying frame of mind. Some story lines may have been altered and/or embellished for added entertainment value.

Left on the cutting room floor

Well you won't be seeing my face gracing the walls of our bus and rail cars any time soon! I was skipped over for the woman below. They said I didn't look friendly enough. And that I lack sincerity and don't command public respect. Even though that's not exactly what they said, I'm sure that's what they meant.

Why Stop at 8-core??

With Apple's Tuesday announcement of the updated Macbook Pro laptops, it got me thinking about the Macbook Pro in our department. The one I setup last month and never got to see again.

Yes, in the midst of this crappy economy and job cuts, the Major, in her neverending quest to own everything shiny and expensive... your taxpayer dollars recently netted her a $2700 top-of-the-line 15" Unibody Macbook Pro. I tell you, the insanity never stops here.

The IT department, understandably balked at the idea of getting her another machine because they just spent $4500 on her 8-Core Power Mac in February. So instead the Major, being equipped with a company credit card and a lifetime of unabashed spending habits, paid for it from our individual department budget (more on that later).


Her reasoning for needing a laptop is so that she can work from home in the evenings and weekends. On the surface this sounds reasonable, but I don't buy it. That's just her misleading, feel-good illusion of justified spending. Fact is, if she spent less of her day doing tea time and visiting others, she should be able to complete all her work during business hours – That's what I think.

But what do I really really think?? I think having a laptop gives her more freedom to leave work early. She already sneaks out early every Monday to get her hair and nails done (among other 'tune-ups' I won't mention). Now she can leave while prominently toting her shiny Macbook Pro claiming to beat traffic and work from home when she's really sitting at the salon. Hmm, can you still type while getting a silk wrap?

I even suggested to her to save money and just get a $1300 unibody 13" Macbook. She complained that the screen was too small and preferred the 15". Now on the surface, this sounds reasonable, but in reality when she uses it at home, it's plugged into a 20" monitor! She's obviously never satisfied owning something if there is something better out there. Because fact is, she demands the best. And money is clearly no object.

And get this. She asks me to find her a portable 2.5" external hard drive. I find a stylish black 500gb Western Digital Passport for $99. But instead she prefers the orange 320gb version for $117. Who cares if it holds less and costs more?? The important thing is that "it matches my wallet!" (I'll try to get a picture of her wallet next time). Can you scream "High Maintenance" any louder?

So why does this bother me so much? Shouldn't I just be happy she leaves early?? Well it bothers me because our fiscal year ends in 2 weeks and that's when I get to spend leftover money on other essential items. We were planning all along to get two Nikon D90's since our D70's are approaching five years old. But since the laptop dipped into our budget (rather than IT's), we're now short $2000 to get the two cameras. Grrrrrr. So now I'll have to wait another year.

If all I blogged about was my job, I would have to rename my blog. How about "Finding the Cheese from my Cracker"? or "The Wheels are Spinning (but the Hamster is Dead)"? or "Toys in the Attic"?? In the meantime, to keep my sanity, I'll just focus on happy thoughts. I'm happy I still have a job. I'm happy I have this blog. And I'm happy I have all of you. Thank you.

Notice the bag of pretzels.