My wife is crushed.

I've been trying to tell her for years! She wouldn't believe me 10 years ago when I told her about Rosie either... Remember, I worked in the crotch heart of West Hollywood for five years! Every year the gay parade ends and disperses into the parking lot of my Pavilions (Safeway) store. I observed and studied their mannerisms as they giggled and fondled my vegetables... So it's safe to say my eye is a bit more keen than others. Man, he looks more and more like a woman every time I see him! If you took away his glasses and put on some lipstick, you'll get Annette Benning!

It's OK honey, I don't think all the guys on Dancing with the Stars are gay...

And speaking of DWTS, has Cheryl been working out (at the buffet line)? Is it any coincidence that she gets partnered with a big strong athlete rather than Cody or Lance? Good thing for Maurice is that the heavy lifting won't happen until freestyle week at the finals.

Save the Cheerleader. Save your Marriage.

Oh Man!! I don't know how long I've been waiting for tonight! The return of prime time television with all new shows. Tonight, the only show I'm looking forward to is Heroes. And tonight, it will be a 2-hour premier, preceded by a one-hour recap special. So a total of three hours!! 8:00-11:00. Woohoo!!

But there's a problem. Tonight I'm playing tennis after work so I'll be home late. After dinner I'll have to do homework and put the kids to bed and maybe shower (heehee). By then it'll be 9:30 and I'm so tired, I'll be in bed by 10. So in reality, I won't get to watch at all tonight. No problem, I'll record it and watch it at my leisure sometime this week.

But wait, there's another problem. Chrissy wants to watch Heroes too, but she also needs to record Dancing with the Stars, Prison Break, Terminator, and Boston Legal – ALL of which falls into the Monday 8-11 time slot too. And I was hoping to catch some Monday Night Football... What to do? What to do?

Sure, multiple televisions may help, but it's hardly the ideal solution to catching 3 shows at the same time.

Enter the digital video recorder (DVR). Problem solved.

We got our first ReplayTV five years ago and I've been preaching to my friends about it ever since. It has single-handedly made the biggest improvement in our entertainment life! For the last five years, we've never had to watch the clock waiting for a show to start. We've never had to endure commercial after commercial, after hearing Ryan Seacrest say, "...after the break." We've never had a boring evening surfing the channels looking for something – anything – to watch. We always have a backlog of prerecorded shows ready at the press of a button.

According to a recent survey of 1000 DVR owners, they ranked the DVR as the 3rd most important appliance in the house, behind the washing machine and microwave. In terms of technology, it ranked second behind the cellular phone. "Intriguingly, the vast majority of respondents would rather give up their landline phone, dishwasher, radio and MP3 player than their DVR,"

And 79% of them claimed that the DVR improved their relationship with their spouse or significant other! I don't doubt this one bit. I would totally hate anyone who would make me sit through an episode of Brothers and Sisters or Ugly Betty.

If you're like me, underprivileged and still living in 2004 without an HDTV, and subscribing to basic analog Comcast cable tv at $16/month, a ReplayTV (with free built-in lifetime subscription) is the best low-cost solution. However, if you subscribe to HD or digital cable, most likely a DVR option is included at a sometimes-additional monthly rate.

It's hard to describe the peace of mind we have not having to chase down shows anymore. Chrissy's Our biggest dilemma now is to juggle and distribute the above 5 shows onto the 3 networked ReplayTV's we have. And each of our machines can hold 120 hours so they'll be working like mad this fall season. I know most of you don't have the same obsessive viewing habits that she we have, but still, even recording a few shows here and there will forever save you from watching junk television.

As parents, we always look forward to the best times to vegitate, like after the kids go to bed, or for you stay-at-home moms – when they go to school. That's the time when you'll always have the shows YOU want to watch, ready and waiting. That's much better than channel surfing the crap talk shows and soaps during the middle of the day. And when you blow past all the commercials, you're actually saving 20 minutes per hour-long show! So essentially, those 3 hours of Heroes will only take 2 hours to watch! (And I won't have to watch those crappy "I'm a PC" ripoff commercials from M$)

Watch in peace, watch in succession, watch on your own terms. You watch your shows, she watches hers. Your marriage is happy once again. What's not to love?

So if you haven't hopped on the HDTV bandwagon yet and you're interested in getting a ReplayTV, the prices range from under $100 for a Showstopper model to $300 for a 5000 series with auto commercial-skip (talk to me before you buy). Look on Craigslist or Ebay for a used one (they don't make them new anymore). The only tricky part is that you'll need either a phone jack or ethernet jack near your TV. Other than that, it's super easy to program, even a second-grader can do it.


Source:
Survey: DVRs more important than dishwashers, iPods

Oakland 101*

*On Monday, the Chronicle reported four homicides in Oakland over the weekend which brought the total to 101 victims in 2008. That's when I thought of the catchy title, "Oakland 101." But now as I'm wrapping up this post, I see someone else got killed Tuesday so now it's 102. Ugh!

With the heat wave last week, several of my whiny coworkers were complaining about the triple digit temperatures where they live (San Jose, Gilroy, Pleasanton, Livermore, etc). I always tell them the best climate in the bay is in Oakland. And as always their typical response is, "Who would want to live there?! You'll get killed!"

I was born and raised in Oakland. Chrissy was born and works in Oakland. We attend church in Oakland. I drive my mom home to Oakland... So essentially, one of us is in Oakland almost every single day of the year. And I'm guessing 80% of my friendships were all rooted in Oakland too. I like Oakland and generally feel safe in Oakland. But it depends what part of Oakland you're in and what time of day it is.

If you're new to Oakland and want to enjoy Oakland, let me tell you where NOT to go. If you look at the homicide map above, you'll notice all the murders are below (or west) of the 580 freeway – quite telltale of where the unsafe neighborhoods are. At first glance, it almost looks like the game of Risk. But it's more like the game of Life.

To me I find comfort knowing that murderers tend to stay in their own neighborhoods and not travel afar to do their killing. Maybe it's the convenience, or they're protecting their turf, or maybe it's the price of gas. I say as long as you stay away from International Blvd., San Pablo and 98th Ave., then the rest of Oakland is probably no more dangerous than any other big city.

Now robberies on the other hand, are a lot more widespread (I know that firsthand with the break-in at my mom' house last year). But at least you're still alive. With the recent restaurant robberies, it shows that criminals go everywhere, especially where the targets seem to be more affluent. My recommendation when going out to dinner, like to Chinatown, is to not carry that much money or any expensive jewelry. Empty out your wallet and bring only the necessities. And if you cherish your iPhone, perhaps carry a decoy older phone to hand over. The main goal is to give them everything and not get shot.

And how about that nicer city across the bay? Yes they are a bit safer, about a third less murders than Oakland, but still plenty of scary neighborhoods to stay away from. Plus their homeless problem is way worst.

San Jose on the other hand, is quite notably safer. Being down here the last four years, I've noticed a lot less homeless and gansta ghetto folks compared to Oakland and SF. Their biggest problem is probably gangs, graffiti, and skanky teens at Great America. I know I'm not going to win any arguments around here. We all know Oakland is where you'll most likely get shot and robbed. But one thing for sure, the weather can't be beat!

I'll keep this short

Several of my valued subscribers alerted me that my blogs were getting cut off on the email (or on Google Reader). Yes, it's supposed to be that way. Now that I'm starting to post more photos, people complain that the emails are getting rather large and slowing down their mail servers. So to remedy this, the emails are now truncated. You can click on the title and continue the blog on the site. Thanks for reading and hopefully this message doesn't get cut off. :)

Friday Fun: World History 101

World History 101

For those of you who slept through World History 101, here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as Nancy-boys.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

Commitment to Excrement

It's been 36 hours and I can still feel the pain. I couldn't bear watching the entire game. My only regret now is wasting 2 hours of my life Monday night. I feel especially sorry for those who actually paid money to attend the game. That must have been a looong ride home!

Is there a scheduling conspiracy? Twice in the last three years the underdog Raiders opened on a Monday night at home to a hated division rival. In 2006 they lost to the Chargers 27-0, and this year was even worst because it was to #1 arch nemesis Shanahan! The NFL must hate the Raiders – again setting them up for embarrassment on week 1 on national TV. I guess seeing grown men in face paint crying is great for reality television.

Prior to the game I actually thought the Raiders had a chance. I mean last year the Raiders would've swept the season series if it wasn't for Shanahan calling time out on Janikowski's first kick (only to have him clank the second one!). And this year the Raiders are supposed to have a better team with a beefed up secondary... Boy was I wrong!

And have you seen Al lately? Man, and people talk about how old McCain is... Al could be his father! It's safe to say that his mental sharpness has dulled since he hired Gruden 10 years ago. Year after year, his judgement in talent in free agent signings have not produced well. All during the broadcast, the cameras kept showing Al, motionless, watching the game in the booth. Sadly, it reminded me of the times I used to visit my dad at the convalescent home.

So with the A's imploding and the Monta Ellis saga, looks like it's going to be a grim year for bay area sports fans. To my family's delight though, that means I'll be able to spend a little more time with them on Sunday afternoons. Maybe the grass will get mowed and the cars will get washed or maybe I can go play tennis. Wow, life without televised sports – how horrible would that be?

Free GPS with Discover Card

A few of you asked me recently about getting a GPS (like I'm a real expert - Not) so this may be of interest to you. According to the offer, it's free if you apply and activate (make purchase) for a Discover Miles Card. It even has an intro 0% balance transfer which is good in case you're running behind on your other payments or need more grace period before finance charges set in.

So apply, make a charge, get your GPS, and then cancel the card. It's real easy.

Apply here.

Friday Fun

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications (which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0).

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

———————-

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: “ithoughtyoulovedme.exe” and try to download Tears 6.2 (and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update). If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the application Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 status. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Pot Belly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also, do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck,

Tech Support

In case you're wondering what they're building...

From an internal newsletter article:

For commuters headed for San Francisco or Oakland, this station will provide an additional 1,200 parking spots at the station proper. For leisure riders, they can walk to Stoneridge Mall and to other retail outlets that will go up around the station. It will be located in the median of I-580, roughly halfway between the 10-mile gap between the Castro Valley and Dublin/Pleasanton stations.

The Dublin side will feature a 210-unit apartment complex, a 150-room hotel, office space and 7,500 square feet of retail space.

The new station is scheduled to open in 2009.

My job doesn't get any more exciting than this.

On Wednesday I spent half the day baking in the sun in the middle of nowhere (technically, it was somewhere east of Gilroy and Hollister, but it really felt like nowhere). I was there to serve as a staff photographer. This is probably as professional as my photography career will ever be.

A marching band and dancing girls on a freeway overpass – now that's something you don't see everyday. Poor band guys were sweatin' like pigs in those outfits.

Ahh, I remember the days when I used to be young and nimble.

They had some sweet moves.

Hmm, not sure what's going on here... I think this was the part of the song that goes, "Drop the pedal and go! Go! Go!! I'm going riding on the freeway of love..." (Aretha Franklin, 1985)

Shh. The GM is speaking. Everyone else on that stage got to speak too. Did I mention how hot the air was that day?

Actually, I expected it to be even hotter. But it was only 90 degrees (at 10:30 a.m.).

The big wigs of Silicon Valley. They're not used to listening to directions – um, look at the camera will ya? I had them all lined up with the short guys on the end, and then at the last second this humongous dude (who is some sorta VIP I guess) runs in, stands on the wrong side, blocks the little guy, and casts this enormous shadow... Honestly, I have better luck lining up children.

I don't know how people can wear dark colors and long-sleeved shirts on a day like that. Kind of reminds me of those greasy gansta teens you see at Great America. I was dressed in cool white cotton, but my evil boss forced me to wear a tie. Cruel I say.