Meet Captain Insano, my newest boss

In a previous post I already introduced you to my director, Sargent Scrooge. Directly under the Sargent's control is my manager, Major Mallrat. As if this wasn't enough rulers invading my cell, we recently hired a new mega boss to torment us all... we call her Captain Insano.

The picture above is not totally accurate, she normally dresses nicer, complete with a yellow python and matching noserings. This warlord was appointed by the mighty Godfather Merciless (The GM, we call him) who rules over all beasts and mankind throughout our troubled kingdom. Is it any wonder why I never leave my cell? There is constant evil looming around every corner. The amount of tyrants I bow to is mind-boggling. Our company is more top-heavy than Dolly Parton!

Here's the dilemma. The Captain comes from a banking background and has zero design experience. None. Nada. Zippo. Now all of a sudden she thinks she's a designer and tries to art direct everything. She constantly overrides the Sarge and Major (who were both designers in their previous underworlds) and insists we do things the Captain's way. Another problem is that she doesn't tell the Godfather of her "bright" ideas until all is said and done. Then SLAM! Godfather hates it! Having no mercy, he declares a complete overhaul and guess who has to do the dirty work... yep, me.

One job we had to totally reprint it because Captain's "fersuredaGodfatherwilluvit" design was reduced to ashes. The Captain was crushed. As you can see, her black acid tears have permanently scarred her face. You would think that she would learn from that experience... that her and the Godfather don't share the same venomous plans for world domination... But nooooo. If you add the cost of that reprint to her $180k salary, all you taxpayers should be calling for her head.

On top of all that, she wears these tiny tiny glasses and has real lousy tunnel vision. She stares really really close to the page with no peripheral vision. If she was reading a page on the table, from afar it would look like she's snorting coke. It's pretty funny but we dare not laugh because her python is constantly monitoring us. Is it any wonder why she isn't getting the "big picture?" Another reason may be from lack of sunlight due to too much time spent in the dungeon.

The Captain has been making my life miserable ever since her spawning six months ago. I struggle to find meaning in my job with three oppressors constantly bickering on who to destroy next. And of the five designers, I'm the one who is often chosen to carry out their wickedness. Why me???

Lately I've been toiling in the deepest, darkest torture chamber, where I'm deafened by the sounds of constant screaming from fellow captives. In between the daily tightening of the screws, I give you these memoirs of my suffering. I don't know how long I can survive this persecution. If I live to see this through, perhaps I will record this ordeal on my blog. Stay tuned.

Hey batter batter batter....

Last Sunday we had a friendly and contentious day at the park in San Ramon. We fearless parents were challenged by our snotty kids to a game of baseball. They think they're all cool and can beat anyone tripling their weight. We say, "Bring it on, suckas!!"

The moms meant business. They were unafraid to show any restraint as they powered the wiffle ball into the outfield. The dads were forced to bat left-handed, but still packed a punch as we launched ball after ball into the gap and over their heads. I remember running past Ashley and she's yelling, "It's not fair!!" For a split second I felt her pain, but all I could say was, "Buh-bye...." as I rounded the base.

One parent was really wimpy weak a pushover kind and refused to tag any kid out. I won't mention any names but his initials are ML. Thanks to him, we spotted them 11 runs in the first inning.

Me on the other hand, showed no mercy as I tackled two boys at home plate just to keep the game close! See-Ya!! Yeah, who's your daddy?? But in the end, those 11 runs were insurmountable as we lost 14-16 (is that right?).

Afterwards we were treated to a delicious BBQ dinner. A heartfelt thanks to the Wong family for a really wonderful gathering (and for hosting our rowdy bunch). I haven't had this much fun in a long time!

Facebook: I don't get it

Through the invitation of a distant friend, I signed up for an account sometime last year. I totally forgot about it. During the holidays, several of my friends talked about how great it was for meeting up with old buddies, classmates, and looking up old flames (oops, did I say that?). They also complained to me that I wasn't responding to their spam, um, I mean messages.

Last month I curiously logged in and uh hello...? I'm lost. What am I supposed to do? Where's the instructions? What's the purpose? Should I write on your wall? And what do you write on the wall of someone you haven't seen in decades? "Whoa dude, you really let yourself go..."

I looked at my two friends' profiles, and then at their friends, and their friends' friends... and then Ah ha, I get it! You're supposed to add friends! Right? Hmm, it seems like people collect friends the same way my boys collect Pokemon cards, or like how Hillary collects super delegates, or like how Ursula collects "poor unfortunate souls" – it's a game.

The last time I checked, I've gotten poked, received some gift, and someone thinks I'm a "hottie" (honestly, I'm afraid to respond). Surprisingly, I've received several new friend requests the last month (I'm really flattered!). And with the recent photo workshop, I added some more friends! But then one of my "friends" wrote on my wall calling me a "loser" because I don't have a profile photo – the nerve!! Another one said that my empty photo is like a blemish in their wall of friends. Hmm, is this about me or them?

You ever watch the Oscars? Sure you have. Did you ever notice that when the camera pans the audience, every single seat is filled? Did you know they pay people (seat-fillers) to sit in those seats vacated by Clooney, Spielberg, Hanks, etc. when they're munching in the Green Room or schmoozing backstage? Yes indeed, there is a price for that perfect appearance. So yes, I'll gladly post a photo to complete your wall, that is, if you pay me :)

Oh I'm just kidding. You don't have to pay me. You're already paying dearly by wasting your time reading this blog. I'm honored to be called your friend and would happily contribute to your popularity and help you restore your sense of self-worth.

On the flip side, please don't expect me to solicit your friendship right away. Maybe I'm just too shy or maybe I don't want to be so presumptuous – I mean, maybe you don't want to be my friend. Maybe I scare you. That's cool. Now as for the poking... well you can forget about that, because poking sounds downright naughty! So let's just stick to the soliciting for now.

Even with all this "networking," I have yet to understand how people get so addicted to it. Maybe it's for the people that don't get out enough. I guess it's nice to know what you're all up to, that is, if all of you were actually there. From what I've seen so far, only a few of you are very active. The rest of you don't update often enough, and I still have yet to find a single old flame! Sigh. So essentially Facebook is only useful if you throw your whole life into it and everyone else does the same.

Perhaps we can all make our Facebook experiences more rewarding. Everyone please add me as your friend. Don't have an account? Get one! Yes, I'll be anyone's friend. I'm shallow, superficial and aloof, which makes me the perfect Facebook friend. I won't bother you. I really just want your face on my wall. I want to be one of the cool kids with a million friends. Because now I know what Facebook is really all about. It's not about you. It's all about me! Me Me Me!! That's the value. So please be my friend! And for goodness sake, please make sure you have a profile photo!! Thanks :)

Sign up for Facebook now!

Leading a double life

This guy looks pretty crazy doesn't he? Well last week I started another blog. Am I crazy too?

It's pretty obvious I just have sooooo much free time lately. I mean I already maintain one blog while juggling three kids, a full time job, freelance work, homework, yard work, a long commute, an insane boss, etc. How do I do it?? I must have incredible endurance, patience, and time management skills. Or maybe I just ignore all of the above and focus on the priorities... whatever it is, works for me!

At Scott's workshop, he suggested we each start a blog to post our latest work. In the professional photography world, a blog is an important marketing tool to both display your creativity and show that you're constantly working and improving. Most importantly, it displays your passion and style. Unfortunately, since Scott is on Xanga, we must be on Xanga too, you know, in order to be cool and savvy like him and get the love and eprops from his adoring trendsetting network. I'm on Blogspot, which is "ok" by comparison but not nearly as slick. It's kinda like all your savvy friends being on a Mac while you're still chugging on your Dell :(

I resisted at first because I already had this blog to post my work and it's "good enough" (I know I know, I sometimes think like a peecee person). But I wanted to be hip and happenin' like them and hang out at the same groovy places – for that I HAD to be on Xanga. After the initial learning curve, Xanga was real easy to set up and customize, and handles media (pics/vids) way easier than Blogspot. The only gripe is that they place ads on your blog. To have them removed, you have to pay.

Another reason for starting Xanga is that I don't want all these strangers invading this blog and reading about all of you and how I make fun and embarrass you as well as reading about how pathetic my life is and what a total loser I am and why anyone would ever hire me... I think this blog is best to be kept under the radar only to be cherished by my intimate group of ~40 readers. See how special you are to me??

Will the real Stan please stand up?
Unlike this blog, my Xanga blog will be strictly professional. No rants, no insults, no mention of you guys or cheapskate bosses... just pretty pictures from time to time with a short caption and/or boring story – very water-downed, neutered, nothing you would expect from me. That's why my Xanga readers can never find out about this blog. Sure as time goes by, I'll screen out some potential readers and invite them to this blog, but for now, for their sake, it's better they stay over there. So nothing has changed. I will continue to be myself here, but over there I'll act like a total grown-up. Impossible you say. We shall see!

Visit my Xanga Blog now!

American Idol Shocker!

No, I'm not talking about the booting of Michael Johns. Was that any surprise? I told Chrissy last month that anyone who is married/engaged/bf/gf will never win. Teenyboppers with speed-dial make up the bulk of the votes, and they ain't gonna vote for someone that's not available in their fantasies. That's the reason why in seasons past, frontrunners like Daughtry and LaToya London were eliminated on week 8 when it should've been Yamin and Jasmine Trias (but she was sooooo cute!). So if I'm correct, be prepared to say goodbye to Syesha, Carly, and Brooke next.

Ok, now back to the shocker. The real shocker this week wasn't Michael Johns, but the suprise performance of Darlene Zschech's Shout to the Lord.

In the "Idols Give Back" special show, the Top-8 sang this song as the finale on the biggest stage at the Kodak Theater. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! It was an awesome and inspiring performance! And watched by 30 million viewers!! My only gripe was that they replaced "My Jesus" with "My Shepard" at the beginning of the song. But still an incredible moment for a Christian song to be featured on such a secular show. Unfortunately, the moment was ruined shortly afterwards, as they showed a clip of Ben Stiller on stage swearing... which quickly reminded me that I was watching network television.





On last night's elimination show, they sang a reprise, but this time with "My Jesus" re-inserted as it was originally written. Hmm, I wonder what happened... Maybe Darlene called and said she was gonna start crackin' skulls. Although she probably worded it nicer.





If you've never watched American Idol, I would rate it among the better family entertainment shows available. The contestants are talented, genuine and unlike Dancing with the Stars, they have all their clothes on.

Update:
For some reason, the Blogger video clip is not loading (maybe because it's blocking copyrighted videos). So I added the YouTube clip also.

A photographer is born

Thrown into the fire

I survived the Scott Robert Next Level Workshop. It wasn't easy. It was intense, exhausting and frustrating at times. But that's to be expected when you're masquerading as a photographer like I was.

At first I blended in real well. You see, there were 18 attendees, 11 of which were Asian men. Hmm, is this a new stereotype for us? There were also six gals (half of them Chinese). But my giveaway was my Nikon D70 with stock lens and tiny 2" display. No pro would ever use that! They say the D70 is like so yesterday. Nowadays they all use high end Canons with $1500 lens and fancy remote flashes. All I could think was, "Man, isn't all that stuff heavy"

As we broke up in groups and headed out with the models, that's when I really got lost. Um, do I shoot in A or P? and tell me again what ISO to use? But the killer challenge was trying to pose the models without inflicting any pain on them. I was like, "Um, just stand over there and act natural..." After a while I just let the pros pose them while I act like a paparazzi guy, squeezing in and trying to get any shot. Furthermore, my cheapy lens and flash really put me at a disadvantage because my ISO and F-stops could never get as low (yeah, like it really mattered to me). Needless to say, my photos are darker and grainier. Hey, that could be my own signature style, the gritty look!

Here's Scott laying the ground rules to all his groupies. "You can carry my bags but no screaming in public..." That tall guy is his bodyguard. Do you recognize him?

Anyhoo, while the outings where challenging, Scott's lectures were quite enjoyable. They were highly motivational, informative, and never boring. Scott has a rare combination of having strong technical skills, modeling skills, teaching skills, and a great eye for composition. Take all that and throw in his custom coloring and his high-energy personality, it's no wonder how he can charge $10k/wedding. He's truly one of a kind. And the class resembled his fan club. They really worshiped him. Watching him walk around with the models... he was a rock star.

Despite my shortcomings, I still managed to pick up some valuable tips on lighting and modeling. I know my camera way better now and feel fully confident about ditching Photoshop for Lightroom in all my post-processing work. So yeah, I feel like a better photographer now. But only time will tell.

In the end, my sad conclusion is that I can never be a wedding photographer. Yeah, I'm so bummed... As much as I can learn the technical side, I doubt if I'll ever grasp the modeling concept. Sure I have tons of charm, but as in life, hasn't gotten me far. I really need to be caught up in all the latest fashions and trends to be successful. I should start flipping through all those magazines I subscribe to, like Spin, Interview, and Better Homes and Gardens... Maybe then, just maybe... Oh, who am I kidding? I need to stick to shooting subjects I can yell at, like my kids.

Thanks to your tax dollars, Robert and I didn't have to pay for this workshop. Heck, Scott even comped us both hotel rooms! But for the many aspiring students in our class, they made a heavy investment to be here. So far from what I've read, I'm pretty sure they'll be repeat customers. To them, Scott's wisdom is a real game changer and they should see immediate results. If you're looking for a photographer, I could recommend some of them.

I know there are many photography enthusiasts among my readers and friends. And I wish I could've shared this experience with you, but Scott wouldn't let me videotape his sessions :(

If you want to see some amazing photos, here's Scott's blog about the workshop:
scottrobert/what-you-learn-at-my-workshops

As I sort through my photos, I'll try to post some good ones shortly (just don't compare mine to Scott's). And if you want to hire me to shoot your next event, I'm there! Just let me know, I surely can use the practice!

My First Business Trip... sorta

Can you believe I've NEVER been on a business trip? Ever? The closest thing to a business trip for me is going to Macworld (which I missed this year because of a sick child).

Anyway, today and Friday I'll be attending a two-day field trip. Yep, my boss is letting me travel all the way to Oakland's Jack London Square to learn more about photography from the greatest wedding photographer of all time – Scott Lim himself (aka Scott Robert).

One of the few perks we get at work is an annual tuition allowance. Scott's workshop is pricey, but fortunately within our budget. And from what I've read, he's worth every penny! So why not? This is a great opportunity for me to get out of the office a couple days, as well as pick up some photo tips. I'm also bringing a coworker so I won't be the only one getting laughed at.

Hopefully from this point forward, you'll see an improvement in my photos. As a beginning photographer, I may easily get overwhelmed. But even if, at the very least I'll get to hang with Scott, which should be fun. He keeps telling me it's gonna be "amazing!"

Technically this really isn't a business trip but a "training seminar." They're not paying for a hotel room and I'm not sure if I'll even be reimbursed for meals or parking or ferry toll. Regardless, I'm still excited to go, because at my job, this is really as good as it gets! Woohoo!

Taco Night

The last time we had taco night, we announced Mary's pregnancy with my lovely poem. So it's only fitting that we have tacos again with Charlie's first visit to our house. Karen's family was also in town as they visit every Spring break. Below are a few pics.

Karen's the one in green making sure there's no onions in the meat.

Libby says, "Look, you can almost see my eyes!"

Someday Dustin will look back at this picture and brag about having 4 girls in his room.

Ted is on Charlie-duty because mom is busy beating up on the guys.

Two of these guys ended the night as big losers (is it any surprise which two it is?).
Side note: Tried as I might, Jimmy wasn't available to come over...

Free Honda 40-point inspection

Looking at my subscriber list, at least half of you own a Honda. The rest of you own a Toyota (or both). We own neither.

Honda Car Care Days, April 1 - April 30, 2008.
Since April is National Car Care Month, you might check your tires, oil and coolant level. But how do you examine tie rod ends or a CV-joint boot? Haven’t a clue? Don’t worry. It’s not a mystery for the shrewd investigators at your Honda dealer when they give you a free, 40-point inspection. After a professional examination of your engine, brakes, drivetrain, suspension and steering components, you’ll get the whole story with a detailed report of your Honda’s condition.

Link