Who's Your Nerd?

I must say, whenever a friend comes to me and tells me about their peecee problems, I am sad. The selfish part of me wants to say "I told you so!" But the (much larger) sensitive side of me eventually prevails as I console and share their pain. I sympathize with them and try to alleviate their agony by pointing them in the right direction – to the Apple Store.

I also must say that whenever you come to me and tell me you just bought a Vista laptop, a little part of me dies. Really it does. I don't care how cheap it was or how creative you were stacking coupons... as a friend and a reader of my blog, I ask you, "Where is your loyalty? Do you really enjoy stomping on my heart? Does the word 'betrayal' have any meaning? How can you expect our friendship to survive this tragedy?"

I won't name any names, but you know who you are. And my heart bleeds for you. Sniff, I need a tissue...

On Saturday there was an article in the New York Times about some poor sap's brand new Vista laptop crapping out in the first 72-hours to the tune of an $800 repair bill. Below are some excerpts.

Since I had ordered my Dell over the phone, I tried to seek technical support the same way. The Dell answering menu kept directing me to seek help online. After nearly an hour, I finally contacted a human, but there was an infuriating language barrier. It sounded as if the customer representative was repeatedly asking if I’d pressed the “cat slap button.” Then I realized she was referring to the “caps lock” button. I asked where she was. “In the Philippines,” she replied.

I called John C. Dvorak, a prominent columnist for PC Magazine and a podcaster on the Podshow network. “I advise everybody to buy a Macintosh because Apple products are the easiest to use,” he said. “If you own a PC, you have to find a local nerd, a kid, maybe a relative. Every family has one unless they’ve just moved here from a foreign country. That’s the only solution.”

“A geek is someone who bites the head off a chicken,” he notes. “A nerd is a socially inept person with faulty eyewear.”

“We would have made a lot less money off you if you’d come to us and asked what to buy before you decided on the Dell Inspiron 1720,” he said. “I’m not a big fan of new operating systems like Microsoft Windows Vista because you get software bloat. They do some remarkable things. But they also have too many processes going on at the same time, and they often make needless and confusing changes in the way their features are presented.”

This, my friend, could be you – Penny-Wise and Pound-Foolish. Sure, you may save money up front. But at what cost? If I can mimic the voice of Al Sharpton, "Guard your souls, my children! Don't be tempted by the Dell! It will consume you with instability, insecurity and uncertainty! Leading to loss of productivity, credibility, and longevity! Leaving you with feelings of negativity, irritability, and hostility. Flee my children! Flee I say! Lord have mercy!"

For all you nerds out there that have been repairing peecees your whole life for family and friends, I say bravo to you! I wish I had the skills, the patience, and the time to devote to such a thankless job. Um, actually I don't. But I will be sure to send people your way anyway! :)

And to those of you that don't know jack about fixing a computer and is stuck in a nerdless family... it's YOU that I fear for the most. You'll call me and I won't have a clue to what you're talking about. Sorry, I don't have the latest Norton... Sorry, I don't know why your cousin's iPod won't play your WMA files... Sorry, I don't know why they can't hear you on your webcam... – yes, all real questions. I want to help you but we must speaka-da same language first. We must be on the same page. I can't jump your car if you already drove it into the lake...

I may no longer have the faulty eyewear, but I'm still a nerd for many people (all Mac users, mind you). For most of the people I support, many of them don't even need me. With the exception of hardware issues, most problems they figure out themselves. They in fact, are their own nerds – to which makes me a needless nerd to the nerdless! It's a great feeling. But to the rest of you, my heart is still wounded. Although I do have a forgiving heart :)